Good riddance 2010.

   2010 definitely sucked. I can't even keep track of the bad things that happened & the amount of times we got royally screwed over this year anymore...I really, really fuckin hope that 2011 is WAYYY better than this past year has been...

   I've been in a bit of a funk as of late...I just feel like I'm not good enough at anything right now...I'm not a good enough friend, wife or employee...I try my hardest to be perfect at everything, but I feel like I'm falling short...No matter what I do at work it's not good enough...No matter how hard I try to keep up with friends, it seems like someone is always thinking I don't care enough...And I just feel like my attempts at being the "perfect wife" aren't going that great either...Apparently I nag sometimes & get cranky...Things I swore would never happen...I think a lot of it boils down to stress...Money is super freakin tight right now, and I'm starting to feel overwhelmed...I've applied for a few second jobs, and am really hoping to get one of them...Something just has to change...

A much needed update...

   In some ways, a lot has been going on, but in others, things have been quiet...We're both working quite a bit...Ryan had a short week last week cause they didn't have as big of a shipment last week, so he only had to work til Wednesday...Looks like this week will be the same...I've been giving up about 6 - 9 of my hours for the past couple of weeks to Peg's daughter...I know she needs to pay her bills & whatnot, plus she has been flying to NC to visit her boyfriend who's stationed there with the AF...I feel for her, so I don't mind letting her cover my hours every now & then...Since this Saturday is my off weekend, I scheduled an Athena's party that night...I REALLY hope it does well...So far my hostess has about 10 people confirmed, which is AWESOME!!! If I can get a $500+ party for my hostess, I will be insanely happy...

   I've also been talking to the tattoo artist who did Ryan's memorial cross tattoo for his grandfather...I brought him a picture of Mable, and he's drawing up a tattoo for me...If all goes as I plan, I should be able to get it on December 4th...I'm SO damn excited about it...It'll be my first good-sized piece, but it shouldn't be too bad...It's going on my shoulder, and he's guessing it'll take about 2 hours to do...I'm just so ready to see what he's come up with, and see what my family says...My parents are pretty excited to see it as well...I went this weekend and got one of the new VS halter style bras to wear while I get it, and while it heals...It's like, the most comfortable thing ever, and it'll be perfect for where I'm getting the ink done...There's no way it'll be in the way at all :D

   Ryan finally heard back from Hill's finance office today about them getting their asses in gear & finalizing his pay records so we could get our sep. pay...Turns out the dumbass who told him he WOULD be getting it was wrong...So money we've been waiting for & counting on isn't going to come to us now...I'm just so incredibley pissed off...I get that it was a mistake, but TWO different people promised we'd be getting that pay, and we really aren't...Guess we'll just pay things off the longer, harder way...Ryan also got the VA's decision; they're giving him 20% disability for his back only...Hill convieniently lost his prescription records, and the paper diagnosing him with chronic insomnia from Korea...Because of that, they denied his headaches & insomnia...They also didn't send along his MRI pictures & results, so they didn't give him much for that...We're going to be sending some of that stuff in, so hopefully they will up his benefits...I guess we'll see...

   On a positive note, we've paid off three, count them, THREE credit cards this month!! Only two more to go and then we just have the car payment, USAA insurance & cell phone bills to pay...The feeling you get paying stuff off is AMAZING!! I felt like the queen of the world for a few days afterwards, and am still very proud that we've worked so hard to get back on top of things...No hand-outs for us; we're doing it all on our own!!!

   I'm really struggling with a decision right now...I want to save up some money & go somewhere with Ryan, but I know a ton of people will give us shit for it...The special vacation for the Goddesses this year is a week-long stay in the Grand Sunset Princess Resort on the Mayan Riviera in Mexico...It's all-inclusive & a REALLY good price...Seeing as how Ryan & i had no honeymoon, it's making me want to go even more...I just don't know what to do...

   I also have the worst case of puppy fever ever...I know we can't get another dog until we get in our own house, but still...lol...I already have a breeder picked out & everything...Now to just save up & then find a house...

    Lastly, I'm frustrated with my weight...I was down a bit & looking great, and then all of a sudden I feel like I'm at a standstill... Working a bunch definitely helps, cause of all the lifting/moving of grain bags...The shoes I got are amazing as well...I bought a shake weight last week, and it's no joke; it's pretty tough! I can definitely see progress in my arms though...Not that they needed a ton, just a bit of toning...

   I guess that's it for now...Even though I'm not working tomorrow, I'm getting up early & running to Dunkin's with mum to grab breakfast, then come home & make coffee for myself...So I gotta get my butt to bed! Although sleep can wait until after the episode of Hoarders that just started...I'm totally addicted to this show, lol...Night!!!

I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one...

   There will be a few topics in this blog today...First, I want to say that I think I might be starting to lose weight...While it's not much on the scale, my jeans are all a bit more loose lately, and my shoulders feel more defined than before...Not to mention my arms are getting smaller from the lifting of grain bags...I really hope I start dropping some poundage soon, as I want to get back to my weight/size from 2005...I'm very determined!!

   I'm really kinda sick of people making promises to me, or saying things, and never following through with them...Don't promise me you will do something, only to never do it...You KNOW when you make the promise if you'll be able to keep it or not, so don't lie for my sake...I'd rather know up front so I don't waste what little free time that I have...

   I'm also realizing some people we thought were amazing friends were mostly users...We tend to spoil our friends with crap...Well, a few of those said friends seem like they could give a shit less about us now that we aren't living near them, and can't afford to send them stuff...Really kind of pathetic when you think about it...Why pretend to care about people just to get stuff for you and/or your kids? I just don't see how it's worth the effort you put in being fake all of the time...I guess I just don't have the whole "user" thing in me...I just couldn't do it...It just makes us cherish our REAL friends and our families that much more...We're just not about surrounding ourselves with negative, fake-ass people anymore...

   It's also irritating to me when we are more adult about our money than people older than us...Perhaps we're just used to not having much, or we're more mature than a lot of people our age, but there are just some things we can't do with our money...One huge thing is buying things you can't really afford...What good is some expensuve thing if you can't really enjoy it fully, cause looking at it reminds you of all the constructive things you could have done with the cash??? Or when people buy things they don't really need...I mean, don't get me wrong, we buy dumb extras every now & then...It's when people do it consistantly that seems so moronic to me...You might as well open your wallet up & toss all your money into the toilet...

   Lastly, I want to something that happened recently. An old classmate of mine took his life just over a week ago...While I didn't know him super well, I talked to him in classes & in passing...He was a great guy who treated everyone equally, and was nice to most everyone...Of all the "popular" kids, he was definitely one of the best of them...He had an awesome smile, and could make anyone laugh...His passing really saddened me...However, some people made it seem like it shouldn't effect me, because I wasn't all that close to him...Is it really about that? Can someone not mourn the loss of someone who was legitimately an amazing person? I didn't know you had to spend a ton of time with someone to miss them when they were gone...It's just stupid to treat someone like their feelings don't matter, just because others might be hurting worse... Everyone hurts when a great person is lost; there is a void & sadness no matter what...

   More importantly, it made me hope that if any of my friends were ever feeling down & helpless, that they know they can always come to me to talk...It's important to have a strong support system when things are going on in your life, and a shoulder to cry on if needed...Please, please let those you love & care about know that you are always there for them...Far too many lives are lost by people who thought they were alone & had no one to turn to...Also, let people know how you feel about them...You never know how much your words impact others; it may just be what someone needs to make it through...

   I love you all...

Siiiiiiick!!!

   I don't get sick very often, but when I do, I become ridiculously clingy...Just a few minutes ago I was whining at Ryan because he wasn't in bed so I could cuddle up to him...Cuddle? More like latch on to him with a death grip, lol...I'm not usually so needy, but being sick does it to me...What can I say? Captain doesn't mind snuggling with me, so that's nice...lol...

   Ryan officially has two jobs...I am so incredibly proud of him...He has a ton of motivation right now, and he's working very hard...I'm still working at Peg's & doing parties here and there...I really hope we're in our own place by the end of next year at the latest...My ultimate goal would be to have both of our parents over for Christmas dinner in our new house in '11...I guess we'll just have to wait & see...

   Odd fact: I'm totally addicted to the show Baggage on GSN...Very, very interesting...lol...The show makes me laugh pretty hard... Very odd people out there!

   Hmmm, I think I'm going to take some cold meds & snuggle up in bed...I'm ready to go to sleep, lol...

Frustration.

   There is nothing that frustrates me more than when I call/text/email someone, and they friggin ignore me...ESPECIALLY when it's something important...Don't dodge certain conversations...It just pisses people off...

   I've been SO damn tired lately...I'm working a bunch of hours, and the weather has been shitty...Those two things together suck...Ryan's working quite a bit right now, too...He has an interview for a second job next week...He wants us to have more money, so that we can save up faster...It will just suck a bit if he gets it, cause we hardly see each other as it is...Oh well I guess...

   I find myself really irritated with the military lately, too...We STILL haven't gotten Ryan's sep. pay yet, cause Hill is taking their sweet ass time finalizing his pay records...Until they do that, DFAS won't give us anything, cause they don't know for sure that we don't have any out-of-service-debt...We don't, but they need to make sure still...And even better, there's no time limit for Hill to submit it, so we'll probably never see the money...It's awesome how we're not even in the military anymore, yet they're still screwing us over...Also, it's taking the VA forever to decide what they're doing for Ryan's disability...They sent us a letter a couple weeks ago apologizing for the delay, and to let us know they're still working on it...Guess they like to take their time as well...Bleh...

Word vomit

   I've been working a lot lately, and it feels really good...Not that I didn't enjoy not working, but I'd feel bad if I didn't have a job while we're staying with my parents...We should be able to pay off a couple things within the next couple months, so that'll be pretty helpful... I'm so glad to be back at Peg's... Some of my family is trying to press me into dog grooming, but I'm not going to do it... Been there, done that, and don't care to do it for a living... I've actually been toying with the idea of going to school to be an ultrasound tech... I guess we'll see...

   I've booked a few Athena's parties coming up...I really hope they turn out well...Not so much for me, but for my hostesses...I always feel bad if a hostess doesn't get a good amount off their order...Not sure if I'm going to the Athena's holiday party or not...If I go, I want Ryan to come with...Not sure he'd want to though...All the events will be held right in the Marriot we'd be staying in, so he could just hang out in our room when I'm at my meetings & such...I guess we'll see on that, too lol...

   We might be going to the lake this weekend...I really hope we do :D

   Fun fact; I absolutely loathe the words succulent & supple...Both of them make my skin crawl...

   I had a good idea of what I wanted to write, but that's all left me now...I'm actually really scatter brained at the moment...I guess that's all I have to write for now...

Damned if you do, damned if you don't...

   I hate getting irritated with people I'm very close to...Cause then I don't speak up & just swallow my irritation...Then the smallest things add to the irritation with said person, and before long, I'm wicked pissed about a bunch of stuff at once...I never end up bringing it up, cause I don't want to cause friction or get into an arguement about it...Plus, it sounds really stupid when I say all that's bothering me out loud...I'm pretty much damned if I say anything, cause I'll sound like a mega bitch & probably make the person mad...But on the other hand if I say nothing, I just keep getting more & more pissed off...Uggghhh...

"...Heaven help me to be strong..."

   Today marks the 2 year anniversary of my grandfather's passing...I always think somehow that it won't be as hard as it truly is...People say the hurt goes away in time, but so far, they're very wrong...Truth is, I started crying as soon as I went upstairs to start getting ready to go to work... I was really hoping I wouldn't have to work today, but in the end Peg needed me to do Tuesday afternoons as well...And as bad as it sounds, we really do need the money, so I might as well work...

   Tonight after I get out (6pm or a little after), we're going over to Gram's...She make a batch of Shepard's Pie, and invited us all over for dinner...After that we'll have the cakes I went & bought last night, then after that, we'll be having a "prayer meetin"...For anyone who reas this and has ever hung out with the Rawski side of my family, you know what this is already, and what it is not, lol...It really has nothing to do with praying at all... Basically we have a fire & all sit around it talking & whatnot...Papa dubbed them "prayer meetins", which brough on his nickname of Father Mike...The neighbors can confirm that you would random hear him shout, "Can I get an amen?!", followed quickly by everyone there shouting, "amen" back at him...They were good times, and something we always did with him...

   I'm guessing it will be a lot like last year...Gram set chairs up for everyone around the fire pit papa got her, mum will carry Papa out to sit in his own chair, and there will be many memories & stories to share...Since we weren't there last year, Gram brought her favorite picture of me & Ryan out & put that on it's own chair, too...I'm very greatful that this year we will be there in person, not just in spirit...

   I truly feel so sad for Gram this month...Their anniversary, his birthday & passing all in one month...I can only imagine how much August hurts her now, when it used to bring such great joy & celebration...I just really hope I can keep it together thonight...Not really for me, but for her...

Mmm, purple kool-aid

   No, I don't like actual purple kool-aid (grape flavored)...I'm refering to the energy you get from attending the Athena's meetings in person...The inspiration, motivation, support & energy you get is like nothing else...Many Goddesses/Adoni refer to it as "drinking the purple kool-aid", since our main color is purple...So that's where the expression is coming from, lol...

   Anywho, I had a fabulous weekend in Providence, Rhode Island with a ton of my fellow Goddesses & Adoni...It was very surreal at first, since I'd been in Utah so long & only seen all these lovely ladies & gentlemen online via our Happy Buzzing boards and streaming videos of events...It was kind of like meeting celebrities, lol...I also kind of felt like the "third wheel" the first night, since I knew no one but Wendy & I was following her around everywhere, lol...That passed Saturday when I really got a chance to talk to people... Wendy & I went to Sex Toy Bingo on Friday night, and it was a blast! Neither of us won anything, but it was entertaining...We had 3 tie-breakers that happened; the first one was a orgasm-off, where the person who faked the best orgasm was the winner...Then the other two tie-breakers were air-sex offs...Whoever had the best sex simulation won...Both were the ideas of people in the crowd... Apparently you can type "air sex" into YouTube, and people have posted videos there of it...Not from our bingo game, but that's how they got the idea, lol...After bingo we headed up to the room to chat & hit the sheets...We had an early day ahead of us!

   Saturday morning we were up shortly after 6am to start getting ready for our actual company meeting...It started Around 9:30 at the Stadium Theatre in Woonsocket, RI...The meeting is split into two parts...We had company updates & recognition the first half, then we took a break for lunch...Wendy & I had paid to get in on the pizza that was ordered by Alana, so we stayed in the theatre & ate...I also dropped off the 25 bras I had collected & I bought my condom make-up bag...Then the second half of the meeting started, where we found out what was being added to the line on Sept. 3rd, and we also did all the raffles! Just about every item from the new line was raffled off at least once, then one lucky person won every one of the 14 new items we're adding! There was also a 50/50 cash raffle worth over $1400!! Lastly, one super lucky person won a trip to our next Get-a-way with the Goddesses location!! SO awesome! After the meeting was finished, we all went to get our meeting goodie bags (with 5 of the new items in them!!), and we headed back to the hotel...A bunch of people came to our room to hang out before the Golden Circle dinner for team leaders who'd earned enough points to go to started...All 3 girls I was sharing the room with went (Wendy, Natalee & Rachel), so Sharon & I stayed in the room...We pretty much hung out, talked, drank & watched movies til the girls got back around midnight...Then Sharon & JoAnne headed home, and the rest of us in our room went to bed...Well, except Rachel, who went out with a bunch of other girls...I never heard her come in later though, cause I was totally wiped out...lol...

   Sunday morning Wendy was the only one going to the Golden Circle breakfast thingy, so me, Natalee & Rachel called for late checkout & went to breakfast in the restaurant downstairs in the hotel...Rachel left about half way through breakfast cause she had a long drive home, so then it was just me & Natalee hanging out until Golden Circle let out around 2pm...Wendy came downstairs & met me in the lobby, and we drove back home...All in all, it was a great weekend...I was very happy to come home & see Ryan & Captain though :D

   The new products we're adding to our line next week are AWESOME!!! Remember, if you want to hear all about the new products & receive the monthly specials I'm offering, you can sign up for my email newsletter! Just email me at GoddessNiki2727@yahoo.com if you'd like to be added to it :)

Gee, thanks for that.

   Ryan was just IMing back & forth with a cousin of his that lives in NH from his side of the family...Apparently there was a family reunion this past Saturday...Guess who they conveniently forgot to invite? If you said us, you win!!! What do you win exactly? Well, the knowledge that you were right...lol, sorry, that's all I have to give...Or maybe a discount if you order Athena's from me...Meh, either way...lol...

   Anywho, it's just irritating me to no end...Why not invite someone who everyone said they were blessed to have back in their lives after being "lost" for so long??? (Lost of course meaning whereabouts unknown; as in after he was adopted by the Whites)...They sure do have a fucked up way of showing how much the missed & love him, right? I don't care how much I despise them sometimes really; I could put all that aside in order to go with Ryan to spend time with them...I mean honestly, I would be a really sweet person to them if they invited us to this shit, or made an attempt to include us in the family...But no, apparently the novelty of the responsible son with a wife & life has worn off...Much better to fawn over the one who uses people & treats them like shit...I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE NOW!!! I've been trying to figure it out, but now I got it!!! It's just like in high school, when a guy/girl only pursues & is interested in the boy/girl who wants nothing to do with them or treats them like crap...It's like they just like the "chase" part of dating...Once you are around all the time, and show open interest, they pretend you don't exist...Kind of sick to play high school head games with your own flesh & blood...

   One thing that was really irritating the other day, was when his uncle from Bath commented on a status...Actually he made a comment on a status of Ryan's that was pretty much irrelevant to what was being said...All he said was that his cousin's husband is in Korea...That's it; nothing else...So after getting the email notification of the comment on his phone, he wrote a response back...And one hell of a response it was! I was so proud that he laid his feelings out like that, and reminded them that THEY are the ones not trying... Aside from being a douche with the comment, I got pissed cause there was nothing said back by the uncle...Not even an acknowledgement that he read it...And you can bet your ass that he read it...Not only him, but I'm sure he mentioned it to members of his family up there...But not one of them had the balls to acknowledge it...I know Ryan said it all to get it off his chest & not for them, but it's important they know shit that he's been through, and at least try to be decent about it...

   So yeah, whatever, let them be that way...I don't give a shit anymore...It only pisses me off when Ryan gets hurt and/or upset by what's going on...I just hope they know what an awesome man they're missing out on by excluding & ignoring him constantly...They better realize that a person can only take so much before they just write people off...Their loss for sure...

...You keep the sunshine, save me the rain...

   First off, I'd like to brag for a second; I bought size 11 jeans the other week, and they were falling off of me the next day...Ryan asks why I never buy jeans, so I told him that's the reason! Also, I got on the Wii Fit today, and I'm down another pound since Friday morning :D I'm VERY hopeful with my weightloss right now! I just want to get back to what I was when we got married...I don't think that's too much to ask, lol...I feel so good about myself right now, that I even bought this wicked cute dress at Target the other day! I haven't worn a dress out since Ryan came home from Korea, and even then, it was only to the airport, then I changed when we got back to the house...I used to wear dresses ALL the time as a kid, til one of my best friends in 3rd grade told me I looked fat in one...I never wore a dress again for YEARS after that...Hopefully now I'll be able to wear them more often without feeling all weird about it...

   Ryan got his DD form 214 the other day in the mail...Now he can start looking around for jobs & such...I really hope there's something good out there for him...He needs something good & that he'll like...I want the next job to make up for how shitty things turned out with the Air Force...As for me, I'm hoping to get a bit of time back at Peg's, but it's hard when she doesn't really need the help...I'm REALLY trying to build my Athena's business, but it's going very slowly still...I've been offering monthly specials and whatnot, but still there's hardly anyone biting...I bought tickets to our summer conference in Rhode Island, so I'm really hoping that will help me out...We get so many awesome tips & learn so much there, that I think it's definitely worth the money to go...I'm just thankful to be close enough to make it for once; this will be my very first company conference!!! I'm super excited!!! Wendy & I will be staying in our amazing hotel room for the weekend, along with 3 other ladies...I'm very excited to make new connections with my fellow Goddesses/Adoni :D

   I'm kind of irritated lately, cause some of my military wife friends have stopped talking to me since I mentioned we were officially civilians again...Well, Ryan's a veteran, but still...I've also had other military related friends be really short with me, or even just constantly negative...Just cause I'm not a military wife anymore, doesn't mean I stop understanding what people are dealing with and/or going through...I will always tear up at the national anthem still, and cry at departure & reunion pictures...I'll never forget all the things we learned, felt & experienced while Ryan was active duty...It's just interesting how some people think they're better than us now somehow...

   Other than all that, we've been pretty good...We're loving being able to spend time with our families... Haven't done much with friends, but it's not from a lack of trying...Screw people who make plans & then blow you off...Not going there anymore though; I'm done...We're waiting to get the reimbursment for our move, and hopefully Ryan's sep. pay shortly after that...The most stressful thing right now for us is bills until one or both of us get jobs...So if I get snappy at any of you in the next few months, I'm sorry & I probably don't mean it...I do a pretty good job of avoiding people if I know I'm in a mood, but sometimes it comes on pretty quick & I can't stop myself from saying something bitchy in time...So I apologize ahead of time, lol...

   Well, that's it for now...I'm going to lay down & watch Chopped before bed...Hope you all are doing well!!!

Partial regrets?

   Right now I'm woring on reading "Confessions of a Military Wife" by Mollie Gross...It is an AWESOME book! If anyone is looking for a hilarious military boook from a wife's perspective, you HAVE to pick this one up! Well, if you live nearby, you could also ask me to let you borrow it lol...Anywho, it's got me thinking about the time I spent as a military wife...I know technically I still am one, and I'll always sort of be, but still...I'm just feeling like I didn't make the most out of my time as a military spouse...

   My main semi-regret is that I never did the whole Enlisted Spouses Club thing...People would say it's a great way to meet friends for life and whatnot, but I never tried it out...I let one experience with some of the members when we first moved to Hill in '05 keep me from considering it...We went to the commissary shortly after getting there (I think it was Christmas Eve), and there was an Enlisted Spouse bake sale just to the right inside of the enterance...As soon as we walked in, they all started laughing to each other & pointing at us...I don't think that's any way to get people to buy from you, nor is it a good way to try to recruit new members (which their sign also said they were doing)...There was no one else coming in the door behind us, and they kept pointing & giggling as long as we could see them...I just don't get what the big damn deal was...At any rate, it left a ery bad taste in my mouth about the club, and I didn't really ever think about joining again...Although, right before we were told Ryan was being force-shaped out, I found an invitation to join the club...I actually considered it...We had only one or two actual friends at Hill, and I was ready to make more...It might've actually helped my Athena's business as well, so it was a double plus...However, when Ryan got the news, that all went out the window...

   I also should have let things go faster, instead of dwelling on them forever...If I had a bad experience with another wife on base (and I had many of those), I let myself stew about it for weeks, if not longer...I just should have let more stuff go & moved on...I also wish I hadn't wasted so much time on people I thought were great friends, only to discover that they stopped caring about us when we weren't around...We'd help people out however was needed, just cause that's how we are...I'm positive more than one couple took major advantage of that, and it pisses me off to no end now...See, there's some of my last point I was telling you about coming through, lol...But yeah...When all you do is give, and all your friends do is take, it's probably a very bad sign for the friendship...I'm not saying some people could be that way and be just fine, but most of the time they're actually really shady...

   We also could have done more in the areas we were stationed...Well actually, in Utah specifically, cause we were never stationed anywhere else together...There were so many things we never got to do or see...Things I think back on often, and wonder why we passed them by...I never really thought we took living there for granted, but we obviously did...Never in our wildest dreams did we see Ryan's career turning out this way...We we would more than likely be a military family until Ryan could retire from it at age 37, and by then, we'd have saved enough money to buy our own land & build our dream house wherever we wanted to (most likely in Maine or new Hampshire)...Now here we are; Ryan about to be done with the AF, neither of us with a job, no money to speak of in savings (thanks to many military related things), living with my parents once again...I really don't know what the future has in store for us...I know that everything happens for a reason, but that doesn't mean the situation sucks any less...I just hope we can get back on our feet in the near future, and pay my parents back for everything they've done for us...They in no way want us to, but in some way, we'll make sure we do...

   So I'm noticing that I write in this a whole lot more now...Somehow I thought I'd have less to say being home, but apparently not, lol...I had a mini-meltdown last night when I realized we had to stop spending money from last paycheck...Finance said it could take 5 - 10 days after the actual pay day to get Ryan's final check...Definitely forgot about that...It's not like I can stop the automatic car payment from coming out, nor can I stop the car insurance, so I started freaking out...Basically, we'll only be buying stuff we NEED until we get paid again...Or we can use the USAA account...I was much better after checking the online account and saw we'd have enough to cover the car & insurance, lol...

   I'm getting my hair done Tuesday afternoon...Heidi's pretty sure she can get me back to a medium/light-ish blonde in one or two treatments...I really hope it works...Ryan told me the other week I should go back blonde, and last night he said he missed it a lot...So we'll see what Heidi can do Tuesday...I'm actually really excited...And it'll be hella nice to have a good haircut instead of a shitty one from Utah...What the hell is wrong with all the hair places out there, anyway? lol

   I'm also trying to keep up my weight loss...I haven't weighed myself since we got back here, and I'm curious where I'm at...I really want to get back to my pre-wedding weight...I'm hoping to hit that by Christmas or so...I guess we'll see...I'm just going to try being really, really good about running every day & watching my portion size...I kind of slacked off the first week we were here, but I've been back on track since...I'm gonna weigh myself after I get up tomorrow & see how I'm doing...We shall see, we shall see...

   Well, I need to go get ready for the day, so I guess that's it for now...

A bittersweet drive...

   The other day going to the beach was kind of bittersweet...I was telling Ryan how to get there; we just followed 91 straight, basically...As soon as we took the left at the lights near the supermarket in York, my chest started to get all tight...I can't even guess how many times I'd driven that way to visit Papa in the hospital...The pressure & tighness in my chest only got worse the closer we got to the hospital...I kept telling myself how stupid it was to be having that reaction, especially since I KNEW this trip was for pure fun...It didn't help in the slightest to stop it though...My heart raced & my breath caught in my throat as we passed the road that leads to the entrance of York Hospital...I didn't start feeling normal until I could see the ocean...

   As happy as I was to be spending the day at York's Wild Animal Kingdom with my amazing husband, I couldn't shake the feeling of dread & saddnes that washed over me when we were close to the hospital...I'm sure it'll lessen in the future, and fade away completely eventually, but in the meantime, it just takes over me & I can't stop it...I need to make a trip soon to see the memorial leaf Gram had placed for Papa in the hospital...Mum even said she'd take me to see it...I can just imagine how hard it'll be to go back in there now, especially if I'm freaking out just friggin driving by it...I HAVE to go back in there & see it though...And I think it's incredibley important that I do it when it's just for that, instead of going there the next time someone gets sick & goes there or something...Ryan agrees as well...It'll just get harder & harder the longer I wait...

   *Sigh*

...Interesting...

   It blows my mind how some people are...We've been home over 2 weeks now...Even though we're now here to stay, people STILL do the whole, "When are we hanging out?", then never talk to you again about it bullshit...I understand there's no hurry to spend time with us this time, cause we're here to stay, but why the fuck do you ask people to hang out if it's not really something you want to do? If I don't really want to hang out with someone, I just don't freakin mention it! No point geting people's hopes up if you have no intentions of following through!

   It probably doesn't help that we've grown up & moved past some things...Like the whole bar crawling thing...Don't get me wrong, we like to drink our fair share (obvious from the amount of booze removed from my trunk after the move)...We don't however, stay out until the early morning hours getting plastered all the time...It's a waste of money, honestly...We have bills & shit to worry about, so we don't need to be paying some huge bar tab every other night...Just because we don't like doing that doesn't mean we're not fun or that we are homebodies, we just like doing other stuff better...It seems like us declining invites to go out and get trashed is pissing people off...Sorry, it's just not our scene anymore...

   Other than that, being home has been great...It's awesome being back with family...Although it's a huge reminder that most of Ryan's side of the family acts like we don't exist, yet his brother's now ex-girlfriend is still being treated like family...Ryan wants to go up to Bath to see his family there, but I have a sinking feeling that that will just be disappointing for him...It's almost like, if they didn't care to be in our lives before, why would they now? I don't know, I just don't want Ryan to get hurt in the whole deal...Yeah it's hurtful to me that they've made no attempt to get to know me, but I feel worse for Ryan that they seem to not care about him, either...It's just not fair to him...

    After the military sends Ryan some form (probably a week or two after the 30th of this month), he can start looking for a new job...We're anxious for him to be able to do that...He's also talked about going back to school to use his GI bill...The money he'd get paid for being a full time student would get us enough to put a down payment on a house in just over a year...Not sure if he's still looking into schooling or not though...He's pretty much unable to look into too much too seriously til we get that form in the mail...Bleh...

Another update

   Just a bit of an update for you guys...The packing people came today, so our house is all packed up & full of boxes...They actually could pack a few things I didn't think they would, which works for me, lol...We got almost everything we wanted to fit in the car...There are a few things that didn't make it, but we're ok with that, too...Captain's all sorts of pissed off at me, cause I put his toys he doesn't use so much in a bag to be packed, along with his two pillow beds...I packed his favorite toys into a plastic grocery bag last night, and he was dragging it around the living room trying to get them back out, lol...He was definitely less than thrilled with me for locking him in the bathroom earlier, too...Luckily he stopped barking & whinning in less than a half hour...Shortly before the packers took their lunch break, he took to howling, I'm guessing cause he thought we weren't here with him anymore or something...It was SO sad! We let him out & shared our lunch with him after they left though, so he was happy...He didn't bark at all when they came back, and seemed to hate the bathroom a little less...Now he's snuggled in my lap, enjoying our company on our last night with couches...

   Tomorrow the movers come & load our stuff into the moving truck...We'll clean everything after they leave, and then spend the night in the house...Thursday morning we'll clean out the trash can after they come get trash...Then we'll just straighten things up before the final inspection...We're really hoping it goes well...

Holy crap!

   This last month has flown by! We have only TWO days til the movers show up! It's hard to believe we'll be leaving in just over a week...As much as we're excited to go home & be with family permenantly again, it'll be weird not to have a house to call our own...Packing has been semi-depressing, cause the circumstances of us having to move are pretty shitty...We're just at the point where we just want to start the drive now...

   Today I did all the laundry in the house I could find, put all the clothes we aren't taking with us into big boxes (but left them open so the movers could see it really is clothes inside), I did all the dishes, went through the cupboards & pantry to see what we'll be giving Ashlee & Greg, unloaded the shelf all the fish tank stuff & cookbooks were on, took that apart so it can go on the curb tomorrow, and gathered a bunch of trash to put out...Tomorrow Ryan's cleaning the tank & the stuff that was in it, I'm bathing Captain, putting landry away, we're doing a practice packing of the car to see if everything we want to take fits & if we can take more stuff with us, going to the BX to borrow a dolly so we can get the washer & dryer on the curb for bulk pick-up (Airman's Attic & the base thrift store idn't want them, and even though I called & left 5 messages, the Salvation Army never acknowledged my calls), and I need to try rinsing out the trash can outside the best I can...I called the housing inspector last week, cause one of the things you need to do is spray off the outside of your house before your inspection...Well that's fine & well if housing maint. had come by and turned our outside water back on...I told her they hadn't, and she said to call her the day before the inspection if it still wasn't on, and we wouldn't have to worry about that...Well, I'm calling her Monday too to ask about the trash can...Hard to clean it out with a hose with no outside water, lol...I'm going to put some hot bleachy water in it from a bucket & swish it around, then just dump it out...Best I can do right now...I also need to weed out the gardens tomorrow & put the grill out on the curb as well...It'll be a busy day!

   Monday will be busy as well...Ryan has work & outprocessing...I'll be cleaning some more, and moving things we don't want the movers to pack up into the spare bathroom...We'll probably keep Captain in there on Tuesday & Wednesday when the movers are at the house as well...We'll also be suspending our DirecTv that night, and unplugging the house phone...The car has an oil change & tire rotation late in the afternoon on Monday, too...We're both thinking about going to donate blood at the blood drive at some point as well...We'll see what we have for time...Tuesday & Wednesday will be all about TMO & cleaning up the house for the final inspection Thursday morning...Then early that afternoon, Ryan goes to his final out appointment :)

   Well, I should go for now...Sounds like my last load of laundry just stopped, so I should go toss it in the dryer...I'll be sure to let everyone know how the inspection & everything goes!!!

Update on stuff

   I was hoping more would have gone on before I updated everyone, but it really hasn't...In true military fashion, we're doing a whole lot of "hurry up & wait"-ing...They give Ryan orders 2 months before he's out, and yet he can't do anything still...MAYBE tomorrow they say...Yeah right...So far all we've done is go to the pre-separation briefing...That was actually REALLY informative & helpful...We discovered shortly after it started that no one should take the briefing with under 90 days left in the AF...Epic fail Air Force, epic fail...Anywho, we learned about a lot of Ryan's options, and some of the benefits we might keep getting & for how long...It all depends on Ryan's SPD code, as so far, he can't ask anyone about it yet...Super helpful!

   All we're waiting on right now is for his terminal leave to be signed by the commander...The man's had it since Friday, and still Ryan doesn't have it back...Ah well, hopefully it really does get returned tomorrow...Ryan will have 30 days of terminal leave, which is AWESOME! So long as it gets approved, Ryan won't have to go in to work starting June 1st...Ultimately, we hope to be heading back to Maine on the 1st, or as close to it as possible...Having this one paper hold up getting Ryan's checklist & scheduling things is really frustrating...I REALLY hope TMO can get out here as close to the 1st as possible, and that we can final out of the house BEFORE the 1st...That way we get the BAH money in Ryan's paycheck, and BHMH doesn't get to keep money for a house that we're not living in...We really shouldn't have to pay anything to get out of the house, cause Captain's never had any accidents on the carpet, and we don't have anything to paint back to "eggshell"...I was really good at marking down things wrong with the house when we moved in, so it really shouldn't be an issue at all...But yeah, if we final out shortly before the 1st, we can just stay a night or two in TLF, then head out...Please, please, please let it work out for us! lol

   Also, depending on Ryan's code thingy, we could possibly get 6 months of BAH for back home, and he could get an extended ID card for 2 years...It could also give us separation pay...The AF is moving our stuff home for us, so that's really helpful...We're either putting most of our stuff in storage at a place near the house, or in Gram & Papa's barn chamber...Not really sure yet, but we'll iron that out after we talk to TMO...

   So yeah, that's where we stand for now...I'll update more when we know more :)

Wow.

   When most people say they got news that will change their lives forever, it's a good thing...An engagement, a pregnancy, etc...Well, Monday we got news that will change our lives, and it's not exactly that good at all...Ryan's being discharged from the Air Force. The only good thing coming from this is us being back with our friends and family. We had a plan for ourselves, for our future, and this sure as hell wasn't it...Ryan was going to be able to retire from the military at age 37...We'd pick where we wanted to live, and we were going to build a house there...It would be amazing, because we'd pick out everything, and have enough money saved up to do it...We should've known that would never happen when he got Brooks as his supervisor last March...She did everything in her power to make Ryan's life hell, and to ruin his career...He finally got a new supervisor at the beginning of this year, and we took a big sigh of relief; 2010 would finally be our year...

   This year had been going much better already than last year had; Ryan got awards, got notes from the commander telling him how great he was, his supervisor gave him praise & supported him, he was getting treated better, and he was making real friends...We found out there was a meeting held by some of the higher ups to decide whether to let him stay in, or kick him out...The response was that everyone wanted him to stay...Ryan and his supervisor were told not to worry, and that it wouldn't be an issue again...And now here we are, a couple months later, and he's being force shaped out...Exactly what was promised not to happen...Apparently Ryan's supervisor AND the squadron commander are pretty bullshit about it...They were asked their opinions, and apparently neither of them mattered...His supervisor is also pissed, cause the vMPF is taking it's sweet time putting Ryan's checklist up so he can start outprocessing...We have less than 2 months to do everything, yet they take their time...That's super...

   Since getting the news, my head has been SO full of whys; Why us? Why didn't his wench of an old supervisor get in trouble, or kicked out herself? When will we catch a break? When will it be "our year"? What have we done to attract so much bad karma? What will we do about jobs? Will it be hard to find jobs? How will we ever afford to move out of my parents house & get our own place? How long will we have to stay with my parents? How are people going to think of us? What will happen to all of our military friends? There are many more whys that I've thought of, but I don't want to go on forever...There's just so many unknowns right now that it's terrifying...

   I know we're strong enough to make it through this...We're doing our best not to stress too much, and just trust that it'll work out in the end...It's just hard to do that right now...Our family & friends have been SO supportive of us...Well, those that matter & that have shown they give a shit what happens with us at least...It means so much to us to have that support from them, and us getting through this will be helped enormously by their continuning support in everything we do...We're truly blessed to have all of them in our lives, and I have no idea what we'd do without them...

...More than a memory...

WARNING: this is a pretty emotional post...I cried when I typed it out, so if you don't want to chance possibly crying yourself, you should probably skip reading this entry...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   I find it very interesting that an old, small, seemingly harmless memory can trigger something bigger, and much more vivid...I noticed last week that this happens to me quite often, and I'd never really thought much about it before...

   Anywho, I was prepping dinner last week, and out of nowhere my mind drifted back to an old song my gram & papa Rawski used to sing with me before we said our goodbyes & I headed home...Every time before I left their house, I'd give them each a hug & a kiss goodbye...During the hug, we had a little song, then I'd give them a kiss on the cheek. We'd sing;

         "I love you. I love you, a bushel & a peck. A bushel & a peck, and a hug around the neck."

   As I remembered this warm, happy memory from my childhood, I smiled to myself...I sang the song a few times in my head, then a few times out loud, smiling to myself...Then it happened. I don't know how my brain made this leap, or why, but I was back in Papa's room at York Hospital...I was there, sitting in a chair at the end of his bed, watching him sleep peacefully on his 68th birthday...It was less than 15 minutes before 10pm, and we were all amazed he was still hanging on...He vowed to make it to his 68th birthday, and boy had he...The nurse overseeing his final days & helping all of us as much she could, Kristy, had just come in & started talking about how amazed she was that we all were still here...Gram asked if it wasn't so common, and she told her that most patients in Papa's condition didn't last more than a few days, and here we were on our 2nd week of him in a coma...Gram was asking her why it varied so much, and she went on about how some people in their minds are holding out for a certain event, to see something is finished, or to see a certain someone/have them come visit & say goodbye...

   Meanwhile, I'm still sitting in the chair at the foot of his bed, listening to the conversations going on around me...There were only a handfull of us in the room still, as everyone else had been given beds & blankets in a vacant room less than 50 feet away...We were all pretty much winding down, and getting ready to stake claim to a chair & pass out...It was hard for me not to synch my breathing with Papa's while I was in the same room as him...The book we were given by the hospice about the signs you see before a person passes was still fresh in my head, even though I'd read it a few days before...

   As I breathed along with Papa, staring at him with much love, remembering days from my childhood and listening to the words Kristy was saying, I realized I needed to take another breath. I sat there, frozen, watching Papa, waiting for him to take a bit of a breath...I exhaled, and quickly inhaled again, quickly glancing at the clock as I did so...Then I saw a shallow breath, followed immediately by and even more shallow one...I breathed with him...A minute goes by, then almost another...Was that the final two breaths they mentioned in that book?!?!?! My chest feels heavy, and my brain is screaming to take another breath; both to me & Papa...I look frantically at aunt Wendy, who's been doing the same thing all along that I have...Both of our eyes are huge, and full of tears threatening to spill over...Not really hearing Kristy anymore, but still seeing her taking to Gram, both of them smiling, I say the words that broke my heart to let leave my lips;  

"I don't think he's breathing anymore."

   They both stop talking. Everyone kind of looks at me, then slowly at him. The tears are burning in my eyes now. "Sure he is," Kristy says..."Yeah, but he's not. He hasn't taken a breath in at least two damn minutes, and I have." The words hurt to say. What hurts more is that it's more of an arguement than anything. She looks at me, looks at him, then touches the side of his neck. She looks back at me, then to aunt Wendy, then looks at Gram and starts to frown. Silently, she leaves the room quickly. Her eyes had said it all as soon as she looked back up at me. She comes back in with our favorite nurse, Charlie. Charlie checks him with a stethescope, puts it back around her neck, and turns to hug Gram before moving on to hug the rest of us who were at the hospital still. Everyone starts crying instantly. Aunt Wendy & I immediately hug each other, and all I can manage to say through my wails & tears is,

"We told them. We told them. Why wouldn't they just listen to us? We tried to tell them..."

   Standing in my kitchen once again, I realize my face is soaked with tears, and my chest hurts, just as it did in the hospital. It only took a memory. One, small, happy memory from years gone by, triggers another memory, SO much more vivid, so much more real. It's more than just a memory. It's like going back in time...I can smell the hospital, I can feel my chest burn...It only takes a matter of moments to relive the whole thing & to snap out of it, but it hurts like I'd been dwelling on it for days...This actually happens pretty often, too...An old song on the radio. A memory of a song we used to sing together. A food we all enjoyed when I would be at their house. Certain smells. Old pictures. All things that trigger the flashback now...And while a part of me hates that that is what I go back to, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't go back in time & leave the room, so that I didn't have to be one of two people to witness his last breath. I wouldn't have not been in the hospital at all that night. I was right where I needed to be, doing exactly what I needed to be doing...Not just for everyone else, but for myself...It's not the way I want to remember him forever, but for those few moments, I'm with him again, if only very briefly...

   I love you Papa, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I can't wait to see you again...

Killing time in the Radiology waiting room...

   I'd like to start off by saying the guy next to me is being a giant douche to his wife.She's carrying twins & here for unexpected ultrasounds, and all he's doing is bitching about how long it's taking them to get her in...Just said he's leaving her here if it takes much longer...What a lovely man! Oh, they just went in...Good thing for her...Although, he did tell her if it took them to long back there, he'd still be leaving...At one point he even quit talking to her at all, and wouldn't acknowledge her when she spoke...He seems like a real peach...

    

I probably shouldn't care, but I do :(

   So, I've been thinking a lot lately...I know; scary concept...Anywho, I've been thinking about family mostly...How much we miss them, how much we miss when being away, ect...I have a HUGE family, and we keep in touch pretty darn well...Ryan's family is turning out to be pretty large as well...But you know, if it wasn't for his mum, we wouldn't ever hear from any of his side of the family...It's not like we don't try...Ryan's added them all on Facebook, we message them, but get nothing in return...

   More interesting to me is the way they all treat his brother...Complete opposite! It seems that everyone is tucked right up his ass...He's included in everything, they all talk to him, and they show how much they love him openly...I can only imagine how it feels to Ryan, to see everyone make such a big deal about his brother, but seemingly ignore him...I just feel horrible for him...Probably more selfishly from my point of view, it hurts me to no end that they all make a deal about his brother's GIRLFRIEND, but make absolutely no effort to acknowledge me...I'm Ryan's wife, flippin related to all of them, and it doesn't matter at all...What's so wrong with me that people could care less that I'm now a part of the family? It's just LOVELY to see them all say they love & miss her, when she could just be gone tomorrow cause they break up or something...Yet I'm going nowhere, and I don't exist at all...

   I don't know if it's because we're just not in the Maine/New Hampshire area, or what...Even if that's it, how shitty is that??? Out of sight, out of mind? That's royally messed up...Maybe it's just because my family is so prominent in our lives...I just don't understand how you can treat one of the boys like a God or something, and act like the other one is a scumbag not worth mentioning...It's not flippin fair, and I KNOW it hurts Ryan...Will he come out & say that? Of course he won't...He just holds it all in, cause I'm sure it seems that it won't do a bit of good if he WERE to speak up about it...I'm sure it hurts even more with my family being the way they are to us, but I think he cherishes that SO much...They treat him like he's been a part of our family forever, and he just adores them all for it...

   Ryan's mum has just been awesome...We both feel luck such a huge part of her life, and it feels great...We might not have known her the whole time we've been together, but it just feels like we've known each other our whole lives...Having her be so close to us, and support us both so much, means more than she'll ever know...We will for sure be spendign time with her when we go home! There's no doubt about that :)

   Ryan really wants to make a trip up to Bath to see family up there when we're home, too...I just fear it'll do more harm than good to him...Also, I don't know if I really want to go see people who act like we don't exist, anyway...I just feel horrible for Ryan in the situation :(

Annnd here we are...

   So, since I last wrote on here, the Cowboys lost their playoff game to the Vikings...Some people I know make excuses for their team when it loses ("well THAT team hired special people to help them", "There were a ton of bullshit calls", etc), but I'm not like that at all...You get what you give, and the Cowboys played a shitty game, so they saw shitty results...Plain and simple. It seems to me all they were focused on was beating the Eagles, and then it was like whatever happened afterwards, would just happen...Hopefully that game showed them a little something, and they'll use it to build the team up better for next season...

   Not a whole lot has been going on since my last entry...Ryan's working swings now, which works out great for both of us...They're not letting the guys come home for a dinner break this time around, so he brings something to snack on to work, then he'll just reheat the plate I make up for him when he gets home...It's nice spending so much of the day with him :)

  Also, I had to call Security Forces on Sunday, cause there were 3 kids trying to light fires under the playground equpitment in the field behind our house...Long story short, no one ever showed up to deal with it...They actually wanted ME to go out, tell the kids to stop, and to go home...Yeah, cause that's M job, right? Ryan yelled out to them before he told me anyway, and they ignored him...That's typical for the kids on my street though...I yelled at two of them a few weeks ago, cause they were standing under our overhang trying to catch the water from our roof in their mouths...WTF is that??? When I was a kid, I didn't go into someone I didn't know's yard & do shit...Then again, I didn't do a lot of the things these kids do...It's obvious no one on this street gives a shit what their kids do, and where they go...You don't even see parents out on our street, but there are a TON of young kids (probably 3 - 9 years old), that are forever playing in the road & causing trouble...I LOVE our house, but sometimes I wiah we'd have gotten one on another street...I don't not like kids, but I feel like that's how I sound ever since moving back here, lol...

   Hopefully on his way home from work, Ryan stops by the shoppette to grab the number for the auto center...My car needs an oil change really bad, but freakin Saturn off base is apparently closed, even though their website says they're open for parts & service...If you call the number though, it rings into the Saturn dealership in SLC...It'd be completely stupid to drive all the way down there just for an oil change...Ah well, the base did a good job before, so I don't mind going with them...

   Oh! I also called & bitched out DirecTv the other night...When I was out grocery shopping Saturday evening, Ryan let Captain go run outside while he took a smoke break in the back yard...Apparently the DirecTv guy left everything he cut out back on the ground, even though he KNEW we had a dog, and a small one at that...The pieces were sharp & jagged metal & plastic pieces...Thankfully Ryan found them before Captain did, cause that would've turned out very badly...In the end they gave us free Starz for 3 months, but I just wanted the jackass to get in some deep trouble for being so careless...

   I guess that's about it...I had a few requests for me to post the recipe I used for dinner tonight, so here it is...It was really good!!! Like I said on Facebook, the risotto I made to go with it was a boxed risotto kit put out by Archer Farms...Not sure where else you can buy it besides Target...Have I mentioned how much I LOVE Target? :)

Lemon Chicken

4 Boneless, skinless chicken breasts

Salt & pepper

1/3 c. Vegetable oil

1 tsp. Minced garlic

2lbs. Sweet white onions, halved & sliced

3 Tbsp. Diced green chilis

1 c. Freshly squeezed lemons (about 6 lemons, yes I hand squeezed them)

1.) Season both sides of the chicken liberally with salt & pepper. Heat the oil in a deep skillet. Add the chicken & sear on both sides until golden brown, about 3 minutes on each side.

2.) Remove the chicken & add the garlic and onions to the saucepan. Cook over medium-low heat until the onions are golden brown, about 10 minutes. Season with salt & pepper. Stir in the chilis & return the chicken to the pan. Spread some of the onions over the chicken. Cover & cook for 10 - 15 minutes, until the chili sauce has completely infused the mixture & the chicken is cooked through.

3.) Add the lemon juice. Cover & cook another 10 minutes to allow the flavors to meld.

Finally!

   So last night, the Cowboys won their first playoff game since in 13 years...It was awesome!!! Even if they win nothing else this season, I'll be happy...Seeing McNabb eat turf countless times last night was a beautiful thing...And seeing Vick follow up a huge TD for the Eagles with the biggest screw up ever, made me laugh SO hard...The Cowboys defense right now is crazy good...Lets hope they do well next week against the Vikings...

   Moving on...lol...

   I don't know if anyone who reads this watches it (I'm not sure how many people do in general, really), but we are addicted to Teen Mom...I thought 16 & Pregnant was a really good show, and I was SO excited to see that they would be following some of the girls for at least another season...We're way too into it though, and have really strong opinions on them, lol...You'd think we personally knew all these people or something!

   For example, we both think Ryan is the biggest douche & that Maci could/should do WAY better...He's a huge loser, who seemingly doesn't care about his kid at all...And it's obvious that Bentley, their baby, can tell...Or with Amber & Gary, sure he means well, but Gary is completely thick skulled, and doesn't do "the right thing" until it's too late...Amber isn't without fault though; she ALWAYS finds something to start screaming at him about...I think they're both just really stressed right now, and could probably benefit from some counseling...We hope they work it out, but Amber's pretty much had enough of everything...While the show makes it look like Farrah is always going out & stuff (cause they don't show much of anything else about her), we think she's still a good mom...She seems to have a hard time trying to balance everything sometimes... I think she's going out so much half the time to get away from her family...They really aren't all that supportive of her...I remember on 16 & Pregnant when her mom kept telling her not to keep the baby...All her parents & sister do now is say that she doesn't care about her baby...Shoot, I'd probably try to go out a bit as well if I got nothing but criticism at home...

   I think our favorites though are Tyler & Catelynn...They were the teen couple who made the hard decision to put their little girl up for adoption...They knew they couldn't really provide for her, and  they didn't want to have that happen...Catelynn's mom & Tyler's dad were dead set against it; her mom wouldn't even sign the adoption papers...I think what they did was really mature & grown up of them...Shoot, seeing how unstable their mom & dad are, it's probably best they didn't try to raise Carly themselves...And through all of this, they've remained together, and are just SUCH a cute couple! We really feel for them now, cause they don't even know her last name or where she lives...The adoptive parents say it's a trust thing, and I kind of get that, but they made it sound like they would know everything upfront whenever they saw Tyler & Catelynn...I hope they get some answers soon, and that they get to see her at some point in the near future...

   So yeah, we're way too into this show, lol...I love it though, and I think it's a pretty god show for teens...They don't glamorize teen pregnancy/parenthood, but they don't all out bash it, either...I think it shows both sides of it pretty well, and overall sends a pretty good message to teens...

Is that PROGRESS????

   I noticed something different in the mirror on Sunday morning; my body was starting to look different...All my hard work is starting to pay off! Not that I've been doing much else than running most every day, and eating just a little better, lol...I started running with the Wii Fit when it got here in Ryan's shipment from Korea in February...By St. Patty's Day, I was seeing results already...Then I had to take a break for a few months, cause Sandra & Nate needed our help getting things ready for their move in June...We didn't mind it at all, we were honestly more than happy to help, I'm just saying that that's the first reason I stopped running...Sure I could've run when we'd get home, but I was too lazy, lol...I started running again after they left, and stopped by the end of July when my family got out here...I planned to run with my sister every day, but she pretty much half-assed it (if even giving that much effort, lol), and I just stopped doing it all together...I gained between 5 - 10lbs in that time...

   After they left, I began running again...I'd run all week, but then I wouldn't do anything all weekend...I felt good that I was at least running during the week, but I still wasn't serious enough about it...For the past month, I've run nearly every day, maybe taking a day off every here & there...And I'm starting to see results again...I've made up for all my slacking it seems, and things are looking up...I really hope to lose some more before we go back home again...I think with the determination I have this time around, I'll be able to do what I hope to :)

   In other news, I've been asked by many people to put some of the recipes I make up here in my blog...So to start that off, here's the recipe for the Carne Asada we've been making...It's sooo good!!!

Carne Asada

2lbs. Flank or skirt steak

4 cloves Minced garlic

1/2 c. Fresh cilantro, chopped

1 Jalapeno, minced

2 Freshly squeezed limes

1 Freshly squeezed orange

1/2 c. Olive oil

1 tsp. Cumin

Freshly ground black pepper

Kosher salt

2 Tbsp. White vinegar

1 Corona

1.) Mix all ingredients (except steak) in a sealable bowl. Place steak into marinade. Refrigerate overnight, turning once.

2.) Preheat grill & rub with a little olive oil to prevent sticking. Take steak out of marinade & place it on the grill.  Grilling time takes anywhere from a few minutes to 10 minutes each side, depending on the thickness of the meat & your preference for doneness. When to your liking, remove steak from grill, and allow to set for 5 minutes, allowing the juices to settle.

3.)Thinly cut the steak across the grain for tacos. Keep the Carne Asada warm in a covered dish.

Wow, 2010...

 

   January 1, 2010...Wow, where did that come from? Seems like just yesterday we were moving back here to Hill...Time flew by this year...

   2009 was definitely an interesting year....Ryan came home in January...We moved back out here to Utah in February...March saw the rein of Ryan's evil supervisor begin...I also started my own business with Athena's Home Novelties as a Goddes...April - June we spent most all our time at Nate & Sandra's hanging out, catching up after a year apart, and helping them pack...Great-Papa passed away at the end of May...In June we had to say goodbye to them, when they moved back to Oklahoma...My parents, sister & Gram R. came to visit us from the end of July until mid-August...I turned 23 in August...Ryan turned 22 in September...Ryan's evil supervisor made life hell in September...October & November, Ryan tried to lay low at work...December was a ton better, and Ryan got an awesome new supervisor...

   Even though the year had it's definite ups & downs, we agree that it wasn't really that bad, because we were together once again...While 2008 sucked no matter how you look at it, it was 100 times worse because Ryan was in Korea...This year, at least we had each other...We also had enormous support from our families this year...I especially don't know how we'll ever thank my parents for everything they've done for us...And not just from 2009, ever since we've been together, really...They are just amazing...

   I'm really looking forward to this coming year, and have made a few resolutions/goals so far...This is what I have for now:

*Continue to keep a positive, upbeat attitude

*Keep up with my workouts

*Laugh more

*Build my business

*Make it home for Kirstin's graduation in June

*Meet Ryan's grandparents in Bath, ME when we go home

*Move on

*Hold less grudges

*Let everyone know how much they mean to me

   I read a quote last night that I absolutely love, and I plan to live by it (and a few others) in the year to come...The quote was, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." I think if we all do that, we can accomplish anything :)