Partial regrets?

   Right now I'm woring on reading "Confessions of a Military Wife" by Mollie Gross...It is an AWESOME book! If anyone is looking for a hilarious military boook from a wife's perspective, you HAVE to pick this one up! Well, if you live nearby, you could also ask me to let you borrow it lol...Anywho, it's got me thinking about the time I spent as a military wife...I know technically I still am one, and I'll always sort of be, but still...I'm just feeling like I didn't make the most out of my time as a military spouse...

   My main semi-regret is that I never did the whole Enlisted Spouses Club thing...People would say it's a great way to meet friends for life and whatnot, but I never tried it out...I let one experience with some of the members when we first moved to Hill in '05 keep me from considering it...We went to the commissary shortly after getting there (I think it was Christmas Eve), and there was an Enlisted Spouse bake sale just to the right inside of the enterance...As soon as we walked in, they all started laughing to each other & pointing at us...I don't think that's any way to get people to buy from you, nor is it a good way to try to recruit new members (which their sign also said they were doing)...There was no one else coming in the door behind us, and they kept pointing & giggling as long as we could see them...I just don't get what the big damn deal was...At any rate, it left a ery bad taste in my mouth about the club, and I didn't really ever think about joining again...Although, right before we were told Ryan was being force-shaped out, I found an invitation to join the club...I actually considered it...We had only one or two actual friends at Hill, and I was ready to make more...It might've actually helped my Athena's business as well, so it was a double plus...However, when Ryan got the news, that all went out the window...

   I also should have let things go faster, instead of dwelling on them forever...If I had a bad experience with another wife on base (and I had many of those), I let myself stew about it for weeks, if not longer...I just should have let more stuff go & moved on...I also wish I hadn't wasted so much time on people I thought were great friends, only to discover that they stopped caring about us when we weren't around...We'd help people out however was needed, just cause that's how we are...I'm positive more than one couple took major advantage of that, and it pisses me off to no end now...See, there's some of my last point I was telling you about coming through, lol...But yeah...When all you do is give, and all your friends do is take, it's probably a very bad sign for the friendship...I'm not saying some people could be that way and be just fine, but most of the time they're actually really shady...

   We also could have done more in the areas we were stationed...Well actually, in Utah specifically, cause we were never stationed anywhere else together...There were so many things we never got to do or see...Things I think back on often, and wonder why we passed them by...I never really thought we took living there for granted, but we obviously did...Never in our wildest dreams did we see Ryan's career turning out this way...We we would more than likely be a military family until Ryan could retire from it at age 37, and by then, we'd have saved enough money to buy our own land & build our dream house wherever we wanted to (most likely in Maine or new Hampshire)...Now here we are; Ryan about to be done with the AF, neither of us with a job, no money to speak of in savings (thanks to many military related things), living with my parents once again...I really don't know what the future has in store for us...I know that everything happens for a reason, but that doesn't mean the situation sucks any less...I just hope we can get back on our feet in the near future, and pay my parents back for everything they've done for us...They in no way want us to, but in some way, we'll make sure we do...

   So I'm noticing that I write in this a whole lot more now...Somehow I thought I'd have less to say being home, but apparently not, lol...I had a mini-meltdown last night when I realized we had to stop spending money from last paycheck...Finance said it could take 5 - 10 days after the actual pay day to get Ryan's final check...Definitely forgot about that...It's not like I can stop the automatic car payment from coming out, nor can I stop the car insurance, so I started freaking out...Basically, we'll only be buying stuff we NEED until we get paid again...Or we can use the USAA account...I was much better after checking the online account and saw we'd have enough to cover the car & insurance, lol...

   I'm getting my hair done Tuesday afternoon...Heidi's pretty sure she can get me back to a medium/light-ish blonde in one or two treatments...I really hope it works...Ryan told me the other week I should go back blonde, and last night he said he missed it a lot...So we'll see what Heidi can do Tuesday...I'm actually really excited...And it'll be hella nice to have a good haircut instead of a shitty one from Utah...What the hell is wrong with all the hair places out there, anyway? lol

   I'm also trying to keep up my weight loss...I haven't weighed myself since we got back here, and I'm curious where I'm at...I really want to get back to my pre-wedding weight...I'm hoping to hit that by Christmas or so...I guess we'll see...I'm just going to try being really, really good about running every day & watching my portion size...I kind of slacked off the first week we were here, but I've been back on track since...I'm gonna weigh myself after I get up tomorrow & see how I'm doing...We shall see, we shall see...

   Well, I need to go get ready for the day, so I guess that's it for now...

A bittersweet drive...

   The other day going to the beach was kind of bittersweet...I was telling Ryan how to get there; we just followed 91 straight, basically...As soon as we took the left at the lights near the supermarket in York, my chest started to get all tight...I can't even guess how many times I'd driven that way to visit Papa in the hospital...The pressure & tighness in my chest only got worse the closer we got to the hospital...I kept telling myself how stupid it was to be having that reaction, especially since I KNEW this trip was for pure fun...It didn't help in the slightest to stop it though...My heart raced & my breath caught in my throat as we passed the road that leads to the entrance of York Hospital...I didn't start feeling normal until I could see the ocean...

   As happy as I was to be spending the day at York's Wild Animal Kingdom with my amazing husband, I couldn't shake the feeling of dread & saddnes that washed over me when we were close to the hospital...I'm sure it'll lessen in the future, and fade away completely eventually, but in the meantime, it just takes over me & I can't stop it...I need to make a trip soon to see the memorial leaf Gram had placed for Papa in the hospital...Mum even said she'd take me to see it...I can just imagine how hard it'll be to go back in there now, especially if I'm freaking out just friggin driving by it...I HAVE to go back in there & see it though...And I think it's incredibley important that I do it when it's just for that, instead of going there the next time someone gets sick & goes there or something...Ryan agrees as well...It'll just get harder & harder the longer I wait...

   *Sigh*

...Interesting...

   It blows my mind how some people are...We've been home over 2 weeks now...Even though we're now here to stay, people STILL do the whole, "When are we hanging out?", then never talk to you again about it bullshit...I understand there's no hurry to spend time with us this time, cause we're here to stay, but why the fuck do you ask people to hang out if it's not really something you want to do? If I don't really want to hang out with someone, I just don't freakin mention it! No point geting people's hopes up if you have no intentions of following through!

   It probably doesn't help that we've grown up & moved past some things...Like the whole bar crawling thing...Don't get me wrong, we like to drink our fair share (obvious from the amount of booze removed from my trunk after the move)...We don't however, stay out until the early morning hours getting plastered all the time...It's a waste of money, honestly...We have bills & shit to worry about, so we don't need to be paying some huge bar tab every other night...Just because we don't like doing that doesn't mean we're not fun or that we are homebodies, we just like doing other stuff better...It seems like us declining invites to go out and get trashed is pissing people off...Sorry, it's just not our scene anymore...

   Other than that, being home has been great...It's awesome being back with family...Although it's a huge reminder that most of Ryan's side of the family acts like we don't exist, yet his brother's now ex-girlfriend is still being treated like family...Ryan wants to go up to Bath to see his family there, but I have a sinking feeling that that will just be disappointing for him...It's almost like, if they didn't care to be in our lives before, why would they now? I don't know, I just don't want Ryan to get hurt in the whole deal...Yeah it's hurtful to me that they've made no attempt to get to know me, but I feel worse for Ryan that they seem to not care about him, either...It's just not fair to him...

    After the military sends Ryan some form (probably a week or two after the 30th of this month), he can start looking for a new job...We're anxious for him to be able to do that...He's also talked about going back to school to use his GI bill...The money he'd get paid for being a full time student would get us enough to put a down payment on a house in just over a year...Not sure if he's still looking into schooling or not though...He's pretty much unable to look into too much too seriously til we get that form in the mail...Bleh...