...More than a memory...

WARNING: this is a pretty emotional post...I cried when I typed it out, so if you don't want to chance possibly crying yourself, you should probably skip reading this entry...

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   I find it very interesting that an old, small, seemingly harmless memory can trigger something bigger, and much more vivid...I noticed last week that this happens to me quite often, and I'd never really thought much about it before...

   Anywho, I was prepping dinner last week, and out of nowhere my mind drifted back to an old song my gram & papa Rawski used to sing with me before we said our goodbyes & I headed home...Every time before I left their house, I'd give them each a hug & a kiss goodbye...During the hug, we had a little song, then I'd give them a kiss on the cheek. We'd sing;

         "I love you. I love you, a bushel & a peck. A bushel & a peck, and a hug around the neck."

   As I remembered this warm, happy memory from my childhood, I smiled to myself...I sang the song a few times in my head, then a few times out loud, smiling to myself...Then it happened. I don't know how my brain made this leap, or why, but I was back in Papa's room at York Hospital...I was there, sitting in a chair at the end of his bed, watching him sleep peacefully on his 68th birthday...It was less than 15 minutes before 10pm, and we were all amazed he was still hanging on...He vowed to make it to his 68th birthday, and boy had he...The nurse overseeing his final days & helping all of us as much she could, Kristy, had just come in & started talking about how amazed she was that we all were still here...Gram asked if it wasn't so common, and she told her that most patients in Papa's condition didn't last more than a few days, and here we were on our 2nd week of him in a coma...Gram was asking her why it varied so much, and she went on about how some people in their minds are holding out for a certain event, to see something is finished, or to see a certain someone/have them come visit & say goodbye...

   Meanwhile, I'm still sitting in the chair at the foot of his bed, listening to the conversations going on around me...There were only a handfull of us in the room still, as everyone else had been given beds & blankets in a vacant room less than 50 feet away...We were all pretty much winding down, and getting ready to stake claim to a chair & pass out...It was hard for me not to synch my breathing with Papa's while I was in the same room as him...The book we were given by the hospice about the signs you see before a person passes was still fresh in my head, even though I'd read it a few days before...

   As I breathed along with Papa, staring at him with much love, remembering days from my childhood and listening to the words Kristy was saying, I realized I needed to take another breath. I sat there, frozen, watching Papa, waiting for him to take a bit of a breath...I exhaled, and quickly inhaled again, quickly glancing at the clock as I did so...Then I saw a shallow breath, followed immediately by and even more shallow one...I breathed with him...A minute goes by, then almost another...Was that the final two breaths they mentioned in that book?!?!?! My chest feels heavy, and my brain is screaming to take another breath; both to me & Papa...I look frantically at aunt Wendy, who's been doing the same thing all along that I have...Both of our eyes are huge, and full of tears threatening to spill over...Not really hearing Kristy anymore, but still seeing her taking to Gram, both of them smiling, I say the words that broke my heart to let leave my lips;  

"I don't think he's breathing anymore."

   They both stop talking. Everyone kind of looks at me, then slowly at him. The tears are burning in my eyes now. "Sure he is," Kristy says..."Yeah, but he's not. He hasn't taken a breath in at least two damn minutes, and I have." The words hurt to say. What hurts more is that it's more of an arguement than anything. She looks at me, looks at him, then touches the side of his neck. She looks back at me, then to aunt Wendy, then looks at Gram and starts to frown. Silently, she leaves the room quickly. Her eyes had said it all as soon as she looked back up at me. She comes back in with our favorite nurse, Charlie. Charlie checks him with a stethescope, puts it back around her neck, and turns to hug Gram before moving on to hug the rest of us who were at the hospital still. Everyone starts crying instantly. Aunt Wendy & I immediately hug each other, and all I can manage to say through my wails & tears is,

"We told them. We told them. Why wouldn't they just listen to us? We tried to tell them..."

   Standing in my kitchen once again, I realize my face is soaked with tears, and my chest hurts, just as it did in the hospital. It only took a memory. One, small, happy memory from years gone by, triggers another memory, SO much more vivid, so much more real. It's more than just a memory. It's like going back in time...I can smell the hospital, I can feel my chest burn...It only takes a matter of moments to relive the whole thing & to snap out of it, but it hurts like I'd been dwelling on it for days...This actually happens pretty often, too...An old song on the radio. A memory of a song we used to sing together. A food we all enjoyed when I would be at their house. Certain smells. Old pictures. All things that trigger the flashback now...And while a part of me hates that that is what I go back to, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't go back in time & leave the room, so that I didn't have to be one of two people to witness his last breath. I wouldn't have not been in the hospital at all that night. I was right where I needed to be, doing exactly what I needed to be doing...Not just for everyone else, but for myself...It's not the way I want to remember him forever, but for those few moments, I'm with him again, if only very briefly...

   I love you Papa, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I can't wait to see you again...

Killing time in the Radiology waiting room...

   I'd like to start off by saying the guy next to me is being a giant douche to his wife.She's carrying twins & here for unexpected ultrasounds, and all he's doing is bitching about how long it's taking them to get her in...Just said he's leaving her here if it takes much longer...What a lovely man! Oh, they just went in...Good thing for her...Although, he did tell her if it took them to long back there, he'd still be leaving...At one point he even quit talking to her at all, and wouldn't acknowledge her when she spoke...He seems like a real peach...