"...Heaven help me to be strong..."

   Today marks the 2 year anniversary of my grandfather's passing...I always think somehow that it won't be as hard as it truly is...People say the hurt goes away in time, but so far, they're very wrong...Truth is, I started crying as soon as I went upstairs to start getting ready to go to work... I was really hoping I wouldn't have to work today, but in the end Peg needed me to do Tuesday afternoons as well...And as bad as it sounds, we really do need the money, so I might as well work...

   Tonight after I get out (6pm or a little after), we're going over to Gram's...She make a batch of Shepard's Pie, and invited us all over for dinner...After that we'll have the cakes I went & bought last night, then after that, we'll be having a "prayer meetin"...For anyone who reas this and has ever hung out with the Rawski side of my family, you know what this is already, and what it is not, lol...It really has nothing to do with praying at all... Basically we have a fire & all sit around it talking & whatnot...Papa dubbed them "prayer meetins", which brough on his nickname of Father Mike...The neighbors can confirm that you would random hear him shout, "Can I get an amen?!", followed quickly by everyone there shouting, "amen" back at him...They were good times, and something we always did with him...

   I'm guessing it will be a lot like last year...Gram set chairs up for everyone around the fire pit papa got her, mum will carry Papa out to sit in his own chair, and there will be many memories & stories to share...Since we weren't there last year, Gram brought her favorite picture of me & Ryan out & put that on it's own chair, too...I'm very greatful that this year we will be there in person, not just in spirit...

   I truly feel so sad for Gram this month...Their anniversary, his birthday & passing all in one month...I can only imagine how much August hurts her now, when it used to bring such great joy & celebration...I just really hope I can keep it together thonight...Not really for me, but for her...

Mmm, purple kool-aid

   No, I don't like actual purple kool-aid (grape flavored)...I'm refering to the energy you get from attending the Athena's meetings in person...The inspiration, motivation, support & energy you get is like nothing else...Many Goddesses/Adoni refer to it as "drinking the purple kool-aid", since our main color is purple...So that's where the expression is coming from, lol...

   Anywho, I had a fabulous weekend in Providence, Rhode Island with a ton of my fellow Goddesses & Adoni...It was very surreal at first, since I'd been in Utah so long & only seen all these lovely ladies & gentlemen online via our Happy Buzzing boards and streaming videos of events...It was kind of like meeting celebrities, lol...I also kind of felt like the "third wheel" the first night, since I knew no one but Wendy & I was following her around everywhere, lol...That passed Saturday when I really got a chance to talk to people... Wendy & I went to Sex Toy Bingo on Friday night, and it was a blast! Neither of us won anything, but it was entertaining...We had 3 tie-breakers that happened; the first one was a orgasm-off, where the person who faked the best orgasm was the winner...Then the other two tie-breakers were air-sex offs...Whoever had the best sex simulation won...Both were the ideas of people in the crowd... Apparently you can type "air sex" into YouTube, and people have posted videos there of it...Not from our bingo game, but that's how they got the idea, lol...After bingo we headed up to the room to chat & hit the sheets...We had an early day ahead of us!

   Saturday morning we were up shortly after 6am to start getting ready for our actual company meeting...It started Around 9:30 at the Stadium Theatre in Woonsocket, RI...The meeting is split into two parts...We had company updates & recognition the first half, then we took a break for lunch...Wendy & I had paid to get in on the pizza that was ordered by Alana, so we stayed in the theatre & ate...I also dropped off the 25 bras I had collected & I bought my condom make-up bag...Then the second half of the meeting started, where we found out what was being added to the line on Sept. 3rd, and we also did all the raffles! Just about every item from the new line was raffled off at least once, then one lucky person won every one of the 14 new items we're adding! There was also a 50/50 cash raffle worth over $1400!! Lastly, one super lucky person won a trip to our next Get-a-way with the Goddesses location!! SO awesome! After the meeting was finished, we all went to get our meeting goodie bags (with 5 of the new items in them!!), and we headed back to the hotel...A bunch of people came to our room to hang out before the Golden Circle dinner for team leaders who'd earned enough points to go to started...All 3 girls I was sharing the room with went (Wendy, Natalee & Rachel), so Sharon & I stayed in the room...We pretty much hung out, talked, drank & watched movies til the girls got back around midnight...Then Sharon & JoAnne headed home, and the rest of us in our room went to bed...Well, except Rachel, who went out with a bunch of other girls...I never heard her come in later though, cause I was totally wiped out...lol...

   Sunday morning Wendy was the only one going to the Golden Circle breakfast thingy, so me, Natalee & Rachel called for late checkout & went to breakfast in the restaurant downstairs in the hotel...Rachel left about half way through breakfast cause she had a long drive home, so then it was just me & Natalee hanging out until Golden Circle let out around 2pm...Wendy came downstairs & met me in the lobby, and we drove back home...All in all, it was a great weekend...I was very happy to come home & see Ryan & Captain though :D

   The new products we're adding to our line next week are AWESOME!!! Remember, if you want to hear all about the new products & receive the monthly specials I'm offering, you can sign up for my email newsletter! Just email me at GoddessNiki2727@yahoo.com if you'd like to be added to it :)

Gee, thanks for that.

   Ryan was just IMing back & forth with a cousin of his that lives in NH from his side of the family...Apparently there was a family reunion this past Saturday...Guess who they conveniently forgot to invite? If you said us, you win!!! What do you win exactly? Well, the knowledge that you were right...lol, sorry, that's all I have to give...Or maybe a discount if you order Athena's from me...Meh, either way...lol...

   Anywho, it's just irritating me to no end...Why not invite someone who everyone said they were blessed to have back in their lives after being "lost" for so long??? (Lost of course meaning whereabouts unknown; as in after he was adopted by the Whites)...They sure do have a fucked up way of showing how much the missed & love him, right? I don't care how much I despise them sometimes really; I could put all that aside in order to go with Ryan to spend time with them...I mean honestly, I would be a really sweet person to them if they invited us to this shit, or made an attempt to include us in the family...But no, apparently the novelty of the responsible son with a wife & life has worn off...Much better to fawn over the one who uses people & treats them like shit...I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE NOW!!! I've been trying to figure it out, but now I got it!!! It's just like in high school, when a guy/girl only pursues & is interested in the boy/girl who wants nothing to do with them or treats them like crap...It's like they just like the "chase" part of dating...Once you are around all the time, and show open interest, they pretend you don't exist...Kind of sick to play high school head games with your own flesh & blood...

   One thing that was really irritating the other day, was when his uncle from Bath commented on a status...Actually he made a comment on a status of Ryan's that was pretty much irrelevant to what was being said...All he said was that his cousin's husband is in Korea...That's it; nothing else...So after getting the email notification of the comment on his phone, he wrote a response back...And one hell of a response it was! I was so proud that he laid his feelings out like that, and reminded them that THEY are the ones not trying... Aside from being a douche with the comment, I got pissed cause there was nothing said back by the uncle...Not even an acknowledgement that he read it...And you can bet your ass that he read it...Not only him, but I'm sure he mentioned it to members of his family up there...But not one of them had the balls to acknowledge it...I know Ryan said it all to get it off his chest & not for them, but it's important they know shit that he's been through, and at least try to be decent about it...

   So yeah, whatever, let them be that way...I don't give a shit anymore...It only pisses me off when Ryan gets hurt and/or upset by what's going on...I just hope they know what an awesome man they're missing out on by excluding & ignoring him constantly...They better realize that a person can only take so much before they just write people off...Their loss for sure...